Realization of the day...

Today is 8 years to the day my grandmother died. I can not believe it has been this long. It still amazes me sometimes how much I miss her. She was such a staple in my life, my main foundation next to my mom. She died on November 5, 1999, and she was buried on my cousin's birthday on November 8th. No matter how hard you try to repress things, they still flood back. I tried to be pretend today was just another day, hence the music videos in my earlier post. But sometimes, you can not deny yourself. I know we have to pass this day to get to my birthday...and I know my cousin still has a hard time dealing with the fact she was laid to rest on her day. You would think 8 years would make it easier. And most of the time it is unless some major milestone comes about, and we want to call her or to hear her voice. I know I've dealt with it and I know I mourned and I need to move on. Trust me, my 'friends' have told me numerous times. But it sort of hard to forget, especially when you were there. They didn't hear her screaming in pain and they didn't have to live in hell for two weeks before she finally was delivered from the worst thing imaginable.They weren't there when she would scream for me, because she was scared...and so were our parents. They didn't know what to do, or how to deal with this. Did they hold her hand and pray; begging God to please just take her and end her suffering? No. I didn't cry for years, I had to be the strong one in the family. The only person I would talk to when I would start to waiver was Ulises, he seemed to understand this wasn't for attention, I was truly hurting and my walls were cracking and my foundation crumbling with ever tear I shed on his shoulder.

The last thing she said to me was "Take care of Crystal for me, she will need you...are you going to be ok when I'm gone?" And you know, at that point I didn't think I could possibly be. But I am ok. I am better than ok, I never thought I could be. I thought the world should stop when she passed. Time to just stand still to allow us to go back and spend those few extra minutes to hug her again and to tell her one last time that I loved her. She taught me the lessons I use today and she taught me love and respect in myself. She taught me that sometimes, you are going to fall on your face...but nothing is too hard to overcome. She taught me that God will never bear a weight on you that he doesn't feel you can not handle. I love her, and I miss her dearly. One of her biggest fears were that we would forget her after she was gone. I can safely say, I will never forget her. And I just hope, she is looking down on us and is proud of what I have become.